This paper presents a narrative analysis of the major stages of a marital relationship through the story of a fictional couple, John and Mary. Beginning with their initial meeting and courtship, the paper traces their journey through engagement, the newlywed phase, raising young children, navigating the teenage years, coping with loss, empty nesting, and retirement. Drawing on published research in family science, communication, and relationship psychology, the analysis explores common stresses, transitions, and coping strategies couples encounter at each stage. Themes include in-law conflict, communication depth, religious differences, grief, intimacy, and the value of professional counseling in sustaining a long-term marriage.
Throughout the development of the marital relationship, a couple is poised to experience numerous changes, stresses, and stages as they journey through life together. From the time the first glance is given to the time the last breath is taken, a marriage can bring the best of what life has to offer — but also the worst that life can deliver. This narrative analysis follows the figurative couple, John and Mary, as they travel through these stages of life.
It all begins, usually, with a look or a glance. This was also true for John and Mary. He first saw her at a Fourth of July picnic during the summer college months, when several fraternity houses organized a party for those still in town to celebrate the holiday. As Singer (1980) notes, "When you meet someone in a social situation, the first thing you generally notice is whether that person is attractive to you" (p. 19). This was certainly true for John as he glanced at Mary and she returned the look, accompanied by a quiet smirk. Their relationship began the way most do — with an initial glance — and eventually John decided to ask Mary out.
They dated off and on for the next couple of years, spending hours talking about goals, family, children, travel, dreams, hopes, money, careers, and all the things young couples should discuss. Perhaps she just knew, or perhaps there was a "science" to it, but Mary often dreamed of the day when John would finally ask her the big question. As one source explains, "The rules of attraction make up a pretty long list. No scientist knows the order of the list. But near the top is perhaps one of the toughest characteristics to gauge in advance in the search for the perfect partner" (LiveScience.com, 2010). For some of her friends, it was a smell, a look, or a single trait that served as the decisive attraction factor; for Mary, it was a combination of attributes.
John was no different. He wanted Mary to be his wife more than he had wanted most things in his life. The questions plaguing him were not unlike those plaguing his friends: Could he commit? Was she "the one"? Was the timing right? Research on lasting relationships suggests that couples who thrive are unswervingly committed to each other and to their relationship. Page (1994) puts it clearly: "They have joyfully cast their lot with each other, and they don't spend time looking back, wondering if they did the right thing, or casting about for an escape route" (p. 20). John was not looking for an exit, nor for someone else. He had found what he wanted and was ready to commit.
It was just days before graduation, and finals were in sight for both of them. Soon their degrees would be conferred, and they would have taken the first major step toward their career goals. What Mary thought was simply a celebration of their accomplishment turned out to be the night that would change her life. After dinner and a bottle of wine at their favorite Italian restaurant, John drove Mary back to the park where they had met, bent a knee, and she said, "Yes."
There is only one thing more frantic than a bride planning a wedding — and that is a bride, her mother, and his mother all planning a wedding together. Horsley (1997) cautions that "although you may feel that you and your in-laws have essentially achieved a conforming relationship during the early relationship period and that you have a solid foundation for dealing with future problems, remember that the family is subject to many outside sources" (p. 57). This is never more apparent than during major life events such as a wedding ceremony, the birth of a child, the loss of a job, or the death of a family member.
The engagement period felt to John like nothing more than a "wedding planning phase," but to Mary it was a highlight of their relationship. John often wished things were more like when they were dating, and Mary couldn't understand why he didn't want to be more involved. For the first time, they were realizing just how different they were. As Bushong (1997) observes, "When we fail to realize and accept the difference, we build up unrealistic expectations and guarantee we will be disappointed" (p. 17). The truth was that they both still wanted each other, but the pressures of John's job search, Mary's wedding planning, the in-laws' friction, and hours spent arguing were eroding their fairy-tale vision. They were in proximity to each other, yet neither felt close. Singer (1980) captures this well: "Closeness refers to an emotional perception. Togetherness is a physical fact… you can feel close to someone who is miles away… and far from someone who may be lying in the same bed with you" (p. 35).
John called Mary from work and asked if they could meet alone for dinner. Mary agreed but worried all afternoon. What John would say that evening was about to change the course of their relationship.
"I love you, Mary, more than anything, but I can't do this — rather, we can't do this, alone, that is." The words hung in the air as Mary tried to understand their meaning. She thought he was giving up. He continued: "With all the stress of the wedding, and job hunting, your mother — er, I mean, our mothers — we need to talk to someone who can help guide us so we don't lose what we once had." Mary paused, and in a moment of clarity realized she had a man who believed in their relationship enough to seek help — and in doing so, proved his commitment to her.
Perhaps more couples would survive if they sought help during times like these. Research on marriage and divorce has long underscored the importance of determination and mutual effort. Parrott and Parrott (1995) cite three doctors who studied 6,000 marriages and 3,000 divorces and concluded: "There may be nothing more important in a marriage than a determination that it shall persist. With such a determination, individuals force themselves to adjust and to accept situations which would seem sufficient grounds for a breakup, if continuation of the marriage were not the prime objective" (p. 49). John and Mary made their appointment, and their counselor, Toby, entered their lives.
Having someone stand outside a relationship who can look in and provide insight and guidance is invaluable — and it was exactly what John and Mary needed. Toby informed them that engaged couples often go through this "differing" stage and that everything they were experiencing was normal. As Horsley (1997) notes, "In-law problems and relationships cannot all be painted with the same brush — the solutions to them are unique and filled with as much variety as the people they represent" (p. 3). Getting through this stage was one of the key building blocks for John and Mary, as it is in any relationship. Toby helped them recognize that they were experiencing common stresses most couples face, but to John and Mary, they had felt isolated — as if they were the first couple to ever struggle this way. Toby helped them identify and work through the challenges of joining two households from different walks of life, belief systems, socioeconomic backgrounds, political persuasions, and religious affiliations. They needed to strip away some of their individual precautions and ideologies about marriage and begin building a new relationship that would establish them as both individuals and as a couple.
The day came. They walked the aisle. Some family members didn't show, out of objection, but friends filled the vacant seats, and they were on their way to their new life together. They boarded the plane and were off to their first night as John and Mary.
"Adjusting to shared life and rekindling communication"
"Parenting pressures and religious differences emerge"
"Parenting three teens and coping with a child's death"
"Deepening intimacy and reflecting on lifelong commitment"
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