This paper examines the challenges and advantages of raising gender-neutral or gender-nonconforming children in a society where gender roles and norms remain deeply entrenched. Drawing on case studies, academic research, and personal narratives, the paper explores how schools, religious institutions, and the media reinforce gender conformity and create obstacles for nonconforming children and their families. It also argues that gender-neutral parenting fosters creativity, self-confidence, and authentic self-expression, and calls on schools, communities, and the media to play a more active role in dismantling cultural stereotypes and supporting gender-diverse children.
The challenges families face include lack of social support, lack of guidance, lack of information, prejudice, and hostility. Gender roles and norms are entrenched in society, making it difficult for children and their parents to resist or subvert conformity. The media and all social institutions perpetuate gender roles and norms. Yet when parents are willing to encourage gender fluidity or gender nonconformity, children and their parents are liberated from constraints to their creativity and self-expression.
Specific challenges to resisting conformity include locating gender-neutral toys and games for young children and finding strong social support networks for the child and the parents. Gender neutrality frightens people for many reasons, not least of which is its perceived kinship with homosexuality, but also its being symbolic of social deviance. A person who does not fit into the neatly arranged categories of male and female may be viewed as an outright threat to the social order. The issue ultimately comes down to erasing all designations of "normal" and instead embracing a reality in which parenting is about raising kindhearted and good people.
When families like Brandon's sought psychological support, they were not given effective tools with which to navigate the difficult terrain of gender identity. Instead, the parents and Brandon were offered trite suggestions about how to force conformity to prescribed gender roles. Taking pink crayons out of the box and making Brandon say "I am a boy" while looking in the mirror are among the senseless methods used to force children to assume artificial identities (Rosin, 2008). In fact, the American Psychological Association classified gender nonconformity as a "disorder," which by definition labels any child who is different as psychologically ill or unhealthy (Rosin, 2008). The American Psychological Association has moved to remove this designation, but the stigma remains.
There is little support from any normative social institution, including the media, which features few gender-neutral characters, heroines, or heroes. When Brandon became Bridget, the reactions included overt hostility. Likewise, Kuhn (2014) notes that C.J.'s school was not cooperative and that the family had to invoke their Title IX rights to receive gender-neutral treatment. People were also "rude" to C.J. (Kuhn, 2014). Society is clearly the illness, not the child.
Schools lack the resources to work outside gendered boundaries. Boys and girls line up separately; many activities, such as sports, are gendered rather than gender-neutral. Teachers may view a child's cross-dressing or transgender behavior as a behavioral problem rather than as a way of saying, "This is who I am." Few schools offer students the opportunity to be fluid with their gender, or use gender-nonconforming students as a springboard for discussing the sociology of gender. Teachers may also be unwilling to discipline students who tease or bully nonconformists if they view gender nonconformity as a problem in itself. Other children are often the source of difficulty, as many are raised in traditional households with strict gender boundaries.
Children may face significant challenges at school — from teachers as well as peers — when they dress or play differently from those around them. The social problems associated with nontraditional gender identity may be the most difficult issue for children, especially those who are sensitive or at risk for bullying. Bullying and social isolation can lead to serious problems, including suicide. With no teachers to support them, children who do not conform to gender norms and roles may find school to be a restrictive and painful environment. Problems at school may be compounded by the lack of activities or resources that the child is genuinely interested in, since many children's activities and organizations are gender-segregated.
As Martin (2005) points out, gender neutrality presents problems related to the child's sexual identity: "gender nonconformity is still viewed as problematic because it is linked implicitly and explicitly to homosexuality" (p. 456). Homophobia is a problem in its own right, which is further compounded by fear of gender neutrality. Families in religiously conservative areas of the country or world will have the most difficulty socially, because religious extremism is particularly hostile toward gender neutrality and any attempt to subvert patriarchal social norms (Lucas-Stannard, 2012). Religious families are therefore in the most precarious position, as they may wish to instill the values of their culture and religion without the attendant prejudice that can come along with it. Finding effective social supports is difficult for these families and their children.
Religious extremism has taken root in many parts of the United States, making the raising of gender-neutral children more difficult. Raising gender-neutral children may be viewed as subversive or even dangerous behavior. Most narratives of gender-neutral parenting include at least one anecdote in which a clash between Christian conservatism and progressivism creates problems. Gender-neutral parenting is not the problem; religious conservatism is.
When parents choose to raise their children in a gender-neutral way, they may also have to relocate to cities, states, or even countries that support their efforts. It may be more productive and healthier for the child to be raised in a supportive environment than in a hostile one. The United States can create hostile barriers that prevent authentic self-expression.
"Developmental advantages for gender-nonconforming children"
"Research on gender as both innate and socially constructed"
"Community and media roles in dismantling gender stereotypes"
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