Gender Role Socialization and Its Impact on Children

Introduction: Gender Role Socialization in Early Childhood

Both male and female children in our society are socialized from a very young age to behave in specific, predefined ways considered appropriate for their genders. Beginning with parents and extending to many other influential forces in society, numerous sources define what type of behavior is expected from children of each gender. Children of all ages are given guidelines regarding proper interaction with others and acceptable behavior in social situations. As Susan Witt observes, "Children learn at a very early age what it means to be a boy or a girl in our society. Through myriad activities, opportunities, encouragements, discouragements, overt behaviors, covert suggestions, and various forms of guidance, children experience the process of gender role socialization." (Witt)

This gender role socialization can be extremely destructive to the mental, emotional, and sexual well-being of the child, and can seriously limit opportunities for development as free-willed individuals. Any individual who deviates from the gender expectations of his or her family, social group, or society as a whole may be criticized, ridiculed, or even punished for that deviation. Children are guided on what types of toys, physical activities, clothing, television shows, and relationships they are allowed to have or enjoy, based solely on whether they are a boy or a girl. "From the time their children are babies, parents treat sons and daughters differently, dressing infants in gender-specific colors, giving gender-differentiated toys, and expecting different behavior from boys and girls... One study indicates that parents have differential expectations of sons and daughters as early as 24 hours after birth." (Witt)

Deviations from accepted gender norms vary in degree across individuals. Some children deviate only slightly — fitting in with peers for the most part, but maintaining a small behavior, habit, or interest generally associated with the opposite gender. An example would be a boy who is active in sports and overall conforms to male norms, but enjoys baking and caring for younger children, both of which are considered feminine activities. Other children have moderate gender-nonconforming qualities that are more noticeably part of their self-identity — for example, a girl who enjoys playing hockey and baseball, which are considered masculine interests. Still other children deviate substantially from gender norms and are often labeled disturbed or disordered simply because they do not adhere to gender behavioral standards — for example, children who cross-dress or openly show romantic interest in members of the same sex.

Depending largely on the degree to which gender norms are disregarded, the repercussions from others vary accordingly. Parents may punish their children in numerous ways for violating male or female rules of conduct. Peers may ostracize or torment a child who does not fit the gender roles they have learned from family, society, and media, and this kind of mistreatment is often encouraged — subtly or directly — by authority and parental figures. Other authorities, such as teachers and social workers, may also prove unsupportive and detrimental to the child's well-being. As children with gender-nonconforming qualities are punished and discouraged from being true to their identity, many will repress and hide their traits and attempt to conform in order to survive in a conservative social environment. Children who are not taught to accept those who are different will continue to be prejudiced as they grow older, fostering a cycle of intolerance when they raise their own children to conform to gender-specific roles. However, a minority will resist the guidelines set forth by society and allow their gender-nonconforming qualities to emerge during childhood and into maturity.

Personal Experience of Gender Nonconformity

In my own childhood, I was not very successful at fitting into the gender role assigned to me by my parents. I was quite the opposite of what they had decided I should be based on my gender. "Parents encourage their sons and daughters to participate in sex-typed activities, including doll playing and engaging in housekeeping activities for girls and playing with trucks and engaging in sports activities for boys." (Witt) My parents attempted to be encouraging in these areas, as most parents do, but I did not have the interests they hoped for. From an early age, I showed more interest in things traditionally considered effeminate. I chose pretty dolls with long hair and sparkling dresses over male-oriented toys. Tea sets and parties were more appealing to me than action figures and toy trucks. I also loved putting on an apron and baking in the kitchen, and I would make sugar cookies and brownies to serve at my doll tea parties.

When I had the opportunity, I always chose to socialize with females — whether girls my age or older women in groups. As I got slightly older, I began to enjoy chasing boys and trying to get their attention, and by the time I reached elementary school I was trying to steal kisses from boys on the playground. I wanted to be accepted into social circles with the girls, but I also wanted to pursue the boys. I had no idea at the time that I was breaking gender rules; I was simply following my natural instincts and impulses. It was not long, however, before I realized I was on the outskirts of acceptable behavior, and I began to experience the consequences of nonconformity.

It became increasingly difficult to make or keep friends. I learned that friendship is often structured by gender — whether by the choices of the children I wanted to befriend, or by parents who did not want their children spending time with the "weird kid." My own parents also interfered and made it difficult for me to find any positive social interactions. I was outcast and isolated socially.

As a young boy, I wanted to dress in feminine clothing and accessories — wearing dresses, skirts, and high heels, and otherwise dressing in clothing aimed at girls. This is actually a very common practice among young boys who are experimenting with role-playing and imaginative games, where they may be trying to identify with their mothers or sisters, or simply trying to understand all aspects of life. A child who dresses up and role-plays as the opposite gender does not necessarily grow up to be gay or transsexual, though it can often be an early indicator pointing in that direction. Many children will grow into traditional sexual orientations despite having enjoyed an array of nontraditional toys and games.

Cross-Dressing, Identity, and Social Consequences

I did not just subtly avoid gender stereotypes — I very specifically lived against them. The result was that I was often teased, both at home and at school. Rumors spread quickly, and accounts of gender-nonconforming things I had actually done mixed with speculation to create a whole genre of jokes and stories centered on my life. I was bullied and ostracized, and was the target of not only verbal taunts but also physical tricks and practical jokes that were painful both physically and emotionally. I wanted desperately to have friends, but instead I was mistreated by nearly everyone around me.

The bullying extended into my own home, where I was also teased and beaten. My older sister was the only person who seemed to understand, though my mother was far more supportive than my father was. My mother would quietly explain to me that I simply could not behave in this manner. My father, on the other hand, would physically and sexually abuse me when I attempted to wear my mother's skirts or her lipstick. The abuse escalated as I got older. I was forced to wear highly restrictive boys' clothing, and my hair was cut to a very short buzz cut, which was humiliating to me. My parents' relationship was also strained by my behavior, and it gave my father additional cause to mistreat my mother whenever she stood up for me.

From these experiences I internalized a harsh lesson about the relationship between appearance and vulnerability. Clothing in our society is closely integrated with sexuality and gender definition. Because women are seen as weaker than men, and as belonging to men sexually under traditional gender roles, men tend to assume power over anyone wearing women's clothing — whether that person is a boy or a girl — in a way they would not assume over boys presenting as male. It is the association with femininity, and the stereotypes perpetuated about females generally, that produces this dynamic.

Conclusion: Living Outside the Gender Binary

Some progress has been made over the past century. Research on children's literature documents real shifts: "Prior to 1970, children's literature contained almost four times as many boys as girls in titles, more than twice as many boys in central roles, almost twice as many boys in pictures, and nearly four times as many male animals as female animals. Children's literature published after 1970 shows a more equitable distribution of male and female characters in all categories... the instrumental role of females in children's literature has increased twofold between the 1960s and 1980s." (Kortenhaus) However, periods of political conservatism have repeatedly made it harder for people who refuse to conform to gender stereotypes, as reflected in electoral battles over the legal definition of marriage and gender roles in states across the country. The broader sociology of gender makes clear that progress is neither linear nor uniform.

It is still difficult for me today to know whether I should be completely closeted or openly expressive of my identity. Should I dress like a man and try to survive as a straight boy would? Should I dress as a woman and try to pass convincingly, hoping no one will discover my secret? Or should I simply be out completely? No matter which option I choose — and I generally choose one of the more closeted options rather than full openness — I always feel strange and alienated. Being entirely masculine or entirely feminine simply does not fit who I am. I have never felt that rigid gender and sex roles allow a person to be completely authentic or fully real.