¶ … Life Scenario -- Decision to Divorce
Lot of Life Scenario
Setting the Scene
Dear Maria,
Because you and I have always been so close, I wanted to let you know about an impending event in our family's lives. Because of our past conversations, you are aware that Mario and I have had many disagreements about how to raise Dominic. The situation has not improved much, although I know that Mario is trying to be a better parent. But I can no longer ignore the impact that Mario's interactions with Nicky are having. Mario continually loses his temper with Nicky and is now swatting Nicky on the head, in addition to smacking him on his bottom. Nicky now flinches whenever Mario comes near him.
Your brother is usually on his best behavior when his family or when friends are around, but I know you have seen Mario lose his temper with Nicky and with me at family get-togethers. Mario's behavior is worse, now, than anything you have ever witnessed. I do so want you to understand, Maria, so please try to picture this: When Nicky is boisterous or mischievous, Mario instantly closes the distance between them and stands -- with his hulking, muscular body -- over Nicky. Mario then shouts at poor Nicky, "Why did you do that? Why did you that? You need to stop doing that. Do you understand? Do you understand?" Nicky just freezes and can't think of anything to say, which infuriates Mario even more. Sometimes Mario will shout at Nicky from another room: "Come here. Come here." Nicky is always afraid that his father will shout at him or swat him, so he is slow to go Mario. Then Mario gets angry because in his mind, Nicky is not minding him when he doesn't come immediately to where Mario is sitting.
I believe what I have described to you is emotional abuse. Emotional child abuse.
Mario shouts at me, too, and uses his large body to intimidate me. I am never quite sure if he will strike me, but he does frequently diminish my affairs. From Mario's perspective, no one experiences as much difficulty as he does, so he feels justified in diminishing the concerns of everyone in his home. He does not try this behavior at work or very often in the world outside of our home. As a soldier, he would get in a great deal of trouble for behaving in this manner with other soldiers, and he wouldn't dare behave this way in front of his superiors. But where this kind of behavior is acceptable is when he is down range -- when he is deployed. So you see, the problem is that he is rewarded and even honored for behaving this way in some contexts, but society outside of the boundaries of the military find this type of behavior to be completely unacceptable.
I have been doing some research, and talking to some people outside of the military, and have come to believe that Mario suffers from PTSD. He has been deployed many times, and this last deployment was very stressful on him. I think Mario felt more vulnerable during this deployment: he is older now, his reactions are not as fast, he is not as strong or fit, and he has stated several times that the unit he is with does not look out for each others' backs. He felt lucky to be alive and able to come home. But he has not able to put these experiences behind him, and he is not getting the help he needs from the military. I understand all this, and I am very sad for him. But I am sadder still for Nicky. I cannot stand by and watch Nicky be abused, see his personality change, and his confidence eroded. I don't want my son -- your nephew -- to live in fear. I want Nicky to be happy and I believe he will be happier living away from his father. I have separated from Mario and have told Nicky that his father and I will be getting a divorce -- and what that means. Like most children of abusive parents, Nicky is fiercely loyal to his father. Since I have not been able to get anywhere in my talks with Mario -- asking him to go to counseling and get help for his PTSD, I will have to let an attorney be the go-between. That said, Maria, I don't know if Mario is stable enough right now for Nicky and I to be safe. For this reason, I have rejected the idea of a mediator and Nicky and I are going away for awhile. I will be in contact with you and my parents and relatives, but I will not disclose our whereabouts to any of you. That way, you can all honestly say that you do not know where we are. The attorney will also convey this to Mario,...
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