Personal experience: themes and reflections

Change is a concept that is sometimes welcomed, though generally, is feared by most people. It marks the beginning of a new experience, but it also means the abolition of a routine. It is a concept perceived positively and negatively. However, in my experience, change is a common occurrence, a constant that never ceases to disturb me, yet this disturbance is also the reason why I believe I have developed healthily as an individual.

Coming from a country that has a culture radically different from the United States' culture, I used to think that I would experience difficulty fitting in the new society I was suddenly immersed in. As an Indonesian immigrant to the U.S., I faced a lot of hurdles that initially hindered me from taking advantage of the opportunities presented to me as I began living my 'new American life.' To start with, I am handicapped, my left hand being imperfect and unable to function efficiently -- in short, I used to think that "I do not have a left hand."

My handicap was not only a source of physical inconvenience; it is also one reason why I became insecure and more conscious about myself. Instead of valuing the interactions and relations I had with other people and establish new ties with them, my time and energy was spent on thinking about how they perceive me as a person. My insecurity has penetrated and affected my personality, which eventually became dysfunctional, because I believed that people think about the worst in me simply because of a physical "imperfection."

I never thought that my physical handicap was just my shallow way of coping with the new environment I am in. I became more conscious about the fact that I am an Indonesian -- not only an Indonesian, but also an individual who has a physical handicap. Change for me during these times was a negative concept, an occurrence that I detested thinking about. Change was a concept that mirrors how I feel and am very different from the people I am with in this new environment. I felt that I was the black dot in that very clean, white piece of paper that is the American society and culture.

Indeed, this thinking was reinforced when my interaction with other people became intensive. Attending school opened my eyes to the new culture I was in. It made me realize how different I am from the others, and this was not only because I physically look different. Apart from my inability to speak and write English fluently and competitively, I had a hard time adjusting to the country's culture. My values and thoughts battled against the everyday experiences I had with Americans and their culture: the conservative and respectful in me clashed with the brutal practicality and honesty of the Americans. Everyday I am exposed to American culture, and everyday I experience this battle of values, thoughts, and feelings. I know that at this point I am trying to deal with the internal conflict that developed in me as I go through these numerous and very significant changes in my life.

But I learned to cope with these changes. Gradually, I have learned to deal with the dilemmas and insecurities. During my sophomore year, I got involved in an accident that broke my right hand, rendering it non-functional for a long period of time. Prior to the operation of my injured right hand, my previously-'non-existent' left hand suddenly became functional. I learned to make use of my left hand despite its imperfection. I thought, I need to use my left hand and forget about my insecurities if I wanted to survive school. Soon, I was using my left hand as often as I used my right hand before. This "reversal of fortunes" of my hands shows how changes have ways of uncovering not only your weakness, but most especially your strengths as an individual. Change has indeed brought out the best in my somewhat-imperfect left hand.