Monsoon Wedding Here I Am,

Monsoon Wedding

Here I am, just days before my wedding to a total stranger. What am I doing? How can I give up Vikram, even though I know there's no future there? I think this monsoon season has gone to my head, and I'm as gloomy as the dark clouds hanging over New Delhi. I am afraid I am making the worst mistake of my life, and I don't know what to do about it. How can I go against my father's wishes, my family's plans, and the will of someone higher than me?

Mummy and daddy seem to be drawing closer together during this wedding, and that gives me strength to face my own wedding. I think they are true soul mates, and their wedding was arranged, so why am I worrying so much? I've never seen daddy so worried, though. He seems to be spending a fortune on this wedding, and I wish he wouldn't do that. He is too worried about this marriage, and I wish he would just stop and step back a little.

My little cousin is another story. What is she doing flirting like that with that boy and how can I protect her from uncle Tej Puri, whose terrible secret is now out in the open? All of this is happening too fast for me to comprehend, and sometimes I feel as if I'm going mad, and there's no way out. And Varun, I think he's going to make my father crazy, but I never knew daddy could be so strong until he stood up to Tej Puri, and that makes me proud to call him my father.

Do I really want to go be a housewife in Houston? I don't even know what "Houston" is! How can I leave this beautiful city, my home, and move halfway around the world with a stranger? Should I really get married? What am I doing, and why am I doing it? I'm so confused! I wish I could talk to Vikram. I know it's over between us, but I just can't seem to let go, and this rain, oh this rain, it just feels like my heart is breaking.

I see the wedding planner and Alice have fallen in love. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. They find true love, and I'm still looking! There's something about him, with his cell phone and his constant meddling, that bothers me. I know, he's a new breed of professional here in India, but he annoys me somehow, and I can't quite say why. I hope he and Alice are happy, anyway.

I feel like I'm caught between two worlds here. I am agreeing to an arranged marriage, but I'm a modern Indian woman, with a career, a life, friends, a lover, and a family that doesn't seem to understand me at all. I'm not at all sure I understand myself. Why does all of this turmoil have to come now, at this time? It is making me feel as if this whole wedding is a mistake, a farce of old traditions that is no longer valid in my life. But is it? The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of staying here and stagnating, waiting for Vikram to make a decision I know in my heart he will never make. So, I will go to Houston, and make a new life for myself, even if it is not the right thing, it will be something.