Sex, Lies, and Conversation the Dynamic Between

Sex, Lies, And Conversation

The dynamic between men and women has been one of the most powerful things in the world for centuries if not millennia. Men have traditionally been in power while women have struggled against their oppression to forge a place for themselves in the world. Although we have progressed in society to the point where women have reached a place nearing equality, if we look at the people in control of the world governments and the CEOs of large corporations, it is still largely a man's world. The short piece by Deborah Tannen (2012) entitled "Sex, Lies, and Conversation" deals with the dynamic between men and women, particularly in marriages and how the relationship between man and woman is different in public than it is behind closed doors. Above all other issues that might come up in a relationship, the author expresses the belief that communication, or lack thereof, is the predominant factor in determining if a relationship will end.

At a gathering of people, the narrator listens as a man who has been talking the entire evening tells the roomful of people that within the home, his wife is the talkative one (Tannen 2012,-page 423). The room laughs because at the gathering he has not stopped talking while his wife has barely uttered a word. The man and woman it seems are not functioning well as a couple in their communication with one another. Although the people in the room are amused by what they hear and how it is different from what they see, they are actually witnessing a very severely damaged relationship. Perhaps they laugh not because of the irony of his statement, but because they see their own failed relationships in what he says and recognize such words as symptomatic of a relationship that may very well be coming to an end. According to the experts cited in the piece, "Most of the women [Catherine Riessman] interviewed -- but only a few of the men -- gave lack of communication as the reason for their divorces" (2012,-page 423). Communication is one symptom of discord in a relationship. People who do not talk to one another tend to grow apart and this leads directly to infidelity, neglect, and other basis for the relationship to flounder and ultimately to end. It is interesting though that according to the research conducted that it is the women who most realize this problem in their relationships. Most relationships will end; that is an unfortunate aspect of the interactions and intimacies that develop between people. When people get together, they have to learn to talk to one another, how to deal with conflicts, and ultimately how to build a future with one another. If and when it turns out that two people are not meant to be, things can get ugly. What once had been a pairing of affection and love can descent into virulent and even violent hatred for the other person. Part of the reason for this is that people cannot communicate with one another. They cannot translate what it is they want or need and then they become frustrated because the other person does not give us what it is we require.

Deborah Tannen further suggests that the communication differences that men and women have in adulthood is actually related to their upbringing as children. Girls communicate as children more verbally, such as by sharing secrets and talking. Tannen (2012) says, "Little girls create and maintain friendships by exchanging secrets; similarly, women regard conversation as the cornerstone of friendship. So a woman expects her husband to be a new and improved version of a best friend" (page 424). Boys build relationships more through actions with one another. This therefore becomes ingrained in the psychology of the individual. Girls learn to communicate only with those you want to be on intimate terms while boys learn that they do not need to communicate verbally with their intimate friends. When looking at children, groups comprised only of girls or groups comprised only of boys, her assertions seem to be valid. Most little girls, when they play with one another, play with dolls or have pretend tea parties. Their activities require imagination and for the participants to create fictional dialogue. They are actions which require heavy amounts of aural communication. Little boys tend to play with actions figures, or toy swords and guns, or they play sports. Boys tend to run around and wrestle more than little girls. They interact just as much as the little girls, but their communication is more in simultaneous action. Young boys communicate through the action rather than alongside the action.

If Tannen's article is to be believed, then discussing the problems in the relationship is a very important step. Communicating the problem that there is not a significant enough communication is an interesting idea. She says, "Once the problem is understood, improvement comes naturally, as it did to the young woman and her boyfriend who seemed to go to sleep when she wanted to talk. Previously, she had accused him of not listening, and he had refused to change his behavior, since that would be admitting fault" (Tannen 2012,-page 427). Tannen does add that some of the couples with whom she spoke did still wind up getting divorced from one another. Although admitting the problem is absolutely important, this is not always enough to fix an already fractured union.