Getting good: strategies for skill improvement

Ethics & Morality - Being Good

HOW to BE GOOD Nick Hornby's book How to Be Good might be better titled Goodness Can't Be Forced. The overall tone of the book is miserable, or rather, two people going through the motions of being better than they really are. By nature, both David and Katie come across as miserable with themselves, miserable with each other, and miserable in general.

David is annoyed by other people for the silliest reasons, and sometimes, for what seems like nothing at all. At some point, he decides to write about what it takes to be good, which seems almost as natural as Paris Hilton writing about being an intellectual. In truth, David is impatient, judgmental, and annoyed arbitrarily by things that are really none of his business and nothing that merits legitimate criticism or complaint.

The irony is that one of the fundamental principles of goodness is examining one's opinions and attitudes about other people to ensure that one's opinions are based on objective principle rather than subjective opinion or personal idiosyncrasies that are unjustifiable. That means not criticizing others based only on our own personal likes and dislikes. Even more importantly, goodness means applying the same rules for one's self as one expects others to uphold, rather than a double standard. A typical example would be the attitude that many people seem to have about double parking and yielding the right of way on the road. Many of us react with anger when we find that someone has double parked next to our car blocking us in. We blare our horn in anger and then berate the offender when he returns to his car for his inconsideration. But on other occasions, we find ourselves doing the exact same thing to others when we need to run into a store and no parking spots are available nearby, reasoning that we will only be a minute or two.

The point is that anger in the first situation may very well be appropriate, but then our own behavior must be consistent with when we find ourselves in the reciprocal position. A good person, therefore, does not do what he considers wrong when others do it; a good person holds himself to the same standards that he expects others to uphold. If we religiously yield the right of way to approaching vehicles when they are to the right of us, our anger is justified when others fail to do the same; a good person does not live a life of double standards for himself and others. David is annoyed by others who dare pay their bus fare in change, but what would David do if he needed a bus ride and had only change in his possession? Chances are he would not walk instead of taking the bus to live up to the rule he imposes on others. Goodness means refraining from unprincipled criticism of others simply because their choices differ from ours in similar situations. Bereavement counseling, for example, is very useful for some people and a waste of time for others. David has no patience for bereavement counseling, despite the fact that some people find it very helpful in times of crisis. In general, good people make an effort to understand the personal preferences and choices of others before criticizing or ridiculing them; they do not look for virtually every possible opportunity to criticize others for meaningless differences between them.

In general, good people make an effort to be positive influences in the lives of their friends and loved ones. Married people, in particular, are uniquely responsible for each other's emotional happiness and well-being. The overall tone of the entire relationship between Katie and David is miserable, even when they are not necessarily arguing. Neither comes across as remotely lovable and the reader is left with no clue as to what either sees in the other. Good people realize that whether they intend to or not, they cannot help but make their romantic partners happy and content or unhappy and sad.