Differences in male and female communication

¶ … Male & Female Communication

General Subject: Gender differences

Specific Subject: Three differences in male and female communication styles helpful to keep in mind

General Purpose: To inform

Differences in Male and Female Communication

Vive le difference, goes the old French saying, celebrating the differences between men and women. But it is also important to add this bit of wisdom -- celebrate the differences between all people, but also celebrate the need to listen more carefully to individuals of the opposite gender. Of course, no one likes to stereotype men and women, and there are always exceptions to every generalization about groups of people. But keeping in mind certain generalizations about the differences in male and female styles can be important, to avoid miscommunication and hurt feelings.

Take this typical scenario. A wife walks through the door, and wails: "I've had the worst day." She had a flat tire on the way to work. She begins a long and detailed story about how she had to wait a long time in a cold repair shop to get the flat repaired. The husband asks if her car is fixed. The wife says yes, and immediately the husband does not want to talk about it anymore. As far as he is concerned, the problem is fixed, and there is no more to be said about the matter. She is hurt, but it is not that the husband does not care about his wife. Rather, according to sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, who has listened to hours and hours of recorded conversations between men and women in a variety of situations, because women tend to be socialized to care about feelings, and men tend to be socialized to care about facts, men tend to have a 'problem-solving' approach to communication.

What are the reasons for this tendency? It might be how women are socialized, or it might have biological origins. From a practical perspective, to facilitate communication, it is important to keep these differences in mind. Marketers who have attempted to apply Tannen's research in male and female stylistic differences have also noted that different communicative strategies appeal to the sexes, even in advertising. Men, for example, tend to seek "status" when buying products. They want the best, the fasted, the product that will give them the most power. Women, in contrast, tend to prefer less linear appeals that affirm their social roles as careers and nurturers, or simply provide a boost to their self-image. A commercial that appeals to males might show one car edging out in front of the other in a race, while one designed to appeal to women might show a mother dropping the child off at school (Buchannan, 2006). Think about the last commercial you saw featuring the opposite gender -- what sort of strategies did it deploy?

When dealing with colleagues at work of the opposite gender as well as dealing with a partner at home, having certain generalizations in mind can be helpful. For example, women are taught to collaborate, and affirm rather than subvert other people in conversation. But women can recognize that the need to speak up when provoked, if they are conscious of their conversational tendency. A woman whose idea is stolen by a male co-worker in an aggressive, male-dominated firm that praises competition cannot simply complain to her boss after the meeting where the co-worker claimed 'their' idea was 'his,' or assume that the truth will eventually be revealed about the theft. Likewise, a male who wishes to maintain a good relationship with a female boss can benefit from engaging in conversation that is not stereotypically 'facts' related (like baseball scores) but is more relational, such as inquiring about how the boss' day is going (Simon & Pedersen, 2005).

Again, stereotyping is never valid, and if you meet someone who differs from these generalizations, or if you yourself do not conform to stereotypes, don't be alarmed! Rather, these observed distinctions, regardless of whether they are hard-wired into the brain or socially conditioned, can be a helpful way to understand how that 'difference' so celebrated by the French can also occasionally prove to be a communicative barrier.