Writing analysis and techniques

Business Ethics Writing Commentary and Analysis

Is Michael's age important enough to start the story with it?

A year old Michael stood waiting outside with his mother and father for his

Why not simply "She opened the door"?

A grandmother to open the door. Once she opened it she threw her arms around Michael and planted a kiss on his cheek. He wiped it off with his hand. "Hi Grandma," Michael

Do we want to make Michael's reaction so dramatic? (prayed?) said praying she wouldn't try to hug and kiss him more, "Where's Grandpa?" "He's in Do we start to say hello or do we simply say hello? Maybe, they just "started talking"?

A the kitchen dear," She pointed down the hallway then began to say hello to his parents.

Do we need to explain that he looked around first?

Walking down the long hallway Michael looked around.] the walls were painted dark

Are all these details important to the story?

A red and paintings of flowers and meadows hung along the wall. Michael pushed open the heavy, old fashioned, door and saw his grandfather sitting at the kitchen table with a thick

Do we need to tell the reader that his eyes moved while reading?

A book in his hands. His eyes moved along the page as he read. "Hi grandpa whatcha

Good...this sounds like a real conversation.

A readin'?" Michael threw his arms around his grandfathers neck. "A book called Flight."

Think about how you'd answer this question: would you say something like this or He closed it to show Michael the cover which had dozens of different pictures of planes.

A maybe just hold up the book and say "It's about flight" (etc.)?

Is it good?" Michael asked. "Very interesting," he flipped through it to show him a Necessary?

A picture of a World War Ttwo plane. "Cool," [Michael said,] "Can you read to me?"

Why not interesting? Does this match your dialogue here?

Well I don't think you will find it very interesting. but, I will read anyway," he read to Michael all about the plane and Michael found it very interesting. "Can you read me more?" Michael asked. "well, I don't see why I can't," his grandpa read the whole page and he read chapter after chapter unit grandma called them to go to the dinner. "I don't think I've ever seen a boy this interested in a book before," Grandpa said to Michael."

Is there any way to give some more details about how this interest developed?

Well now that I'm going to be a pilot when I grow up I need to learn about planes!"

Did Grandpa explain anything about the pictures or share his thoughts with Michael?

Michael said. Grandpa chuckled, "Well son, I think you could do that."

1. Identification of Strengths:

1- Dialogue added since last draft is perfectly appropriate in its proportion to the narrative material.

2- Dialogue content is related to narrative material.

3- Details added since last draft are also perfectly appropriate in their relative proportion to the narrative content as well.

4- the essay does tell an evolving story with a beginning and an ending related to the narrative content.

2. Marginal Comments:

Marginal comments are meant to address the fact that the extra details added (in response to teacher's comments on last draft) are sufficient in quantity but not adequately related to the thesis of the essay (Michael's developing interest in becoming a pilot in response to reading about aircraft and flight).

Marginal comments are meant to address the fact that the reader may not need certain things explained (such as "His eyes moved along the page as he read"), as well as the indiscriminant overuse of narrative description of who is speaking when it is already obvious, and to suggest revision of dialogue that is inconsistent with the story or with other dialogue (for example, "Well I don't think you will find it very interesting. but, I will read anyway").

Rhetorical questions are meant to indicate that the next draft should replace superfluous details about non-essential matters with more details directly related to the main thesis. Marginal suggestions are meant to encourage student to emphasize greater main thesis development of Michael's developing interest in aviation, perhaps in response to additional details of his grandfather's comments and/or stories interjected while reading together.

3. Evaluation of Student Writing:

Jessica followed my previous instructions to add more details and to try to "show" the reader what the reader might have observed watching the events in the story. She also incorporated dialogue within the essay to demonstrate the way that the people in the story communicate and relate to each other, as suggested in the comments provided with my review of her previous draft.

There were enough details, but I indicated that more of the details should be related to the main thesis and its development throughout the story and less to things not directly related to the main thesis (for example, the details about the decor of the hallway,

The next step to further improve this essay will be to edit some of the unnecessary details, to make sure the dialogue is connected to the thesis and that all of it sounds as real and natural as "Hi grandpa whatcha readin'?"

If the main thesis is Michael's interest in becoming a pilot after reading about flight with his grandfather, that thesis should begin to develop earlier and not just in the last sentence. Finally, sometimes the reader already knows who is speaking; other times the reader needs help. Therefore, it is important to explain where the reader needs help and not to do so where it is already clear to the reader.

4. End-of-Paper Comments:

This draft is definitely an improvement with good amount of details, but are the details all related to the main thesis of your story? What is the most important part of the story? Plenty of dialogue which is also good, but how much of the dialogue relates to the main theme? How much of it relates to minor details? When is it important to remind the reader who is talking and when is that not necessary? On our next draft, let's tie all our dialogue and details to the main thesis of your story. Maybe add some dialogue with Grandpa that helps Michael develop his interest while reading together?"

5. Writing Prompt:

1- an outline helps the writer to decide how much of the essay will be devoted to different parts of the story. (How much time we want to use to explain the house in a story about Michael's new interest in flying, etc.)

2- Details are good but should be chosen carefully and be more about the important parts of the story.

3- Dialogue should sound natural, the way people really talk and different parts of conversations should not contradict each other.

The writer's interjections ("he said," she said," etc.) should be chosen carefully where they are necessary to help the reader: ask yourself where the reader needs your help and where he/she doesn't.

It is important to let the reader see the main thesis of the story develop gradually and lead up to a conclusion.