"Try to find out what really is driving the other side's agenda. it's vital to know the real need behind a person's position" (Tyler 2004:2).
Conflicts should also be expressed as rationally as possible, without too much unnecessary emotion, although if emotional difficulties are at the heart of the issue, it is not inappropriate to allow them to enter the fray, so long as it is done respectfully. Saying that 'you hurt my feelings' is an accurate statement, saying 'I know you meant to hurt me,' comes across as an attack and imputes motive onto the other party. In fact, in highly fraught matters, it can be "important to acknowledge the emotions first and get those out of the way" (Tyler 2004:1).
But allowing emotions to be expressed does not mean a no-holds-barred verbal boxing match; rather it is best to avoid all intentionally harmful statements that communicate nothing but anger. "When you verbally attack, you create enemies and put individuals on the defensive. This means that you are reducing the chances of quickly resolving any conflict. Just remember the Hippocratic Oath: 'Do no harm'" when resolving a dispute (Roper 2005:2). Expressing anger is not the same thing as attacking, and attacking accomplishes nothing productive. This is why it is critical to "set your priorities," when entering a mediating or a negotiating session, so that the point of the discussion doesn't become vengeful (Tyler 2004:1). Revenge is not a constructive priority.
Some helpful advice when tensions rise are to review what the other person has said, who has just spoken and to "ask questions to get answers to the things" that remain unclear, or remain points of serious contention, "for example, say, 'To get at the crux of the issue, I need answers to my questions. Why did Ken hurl a racial insult at Mohammed?'" (Roper 2005:2). In fact, sometimes all people desire is the sense that their feelings have been 'heard' and that they have a chance to tell their side of the story. One professional...
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